Avarlce's Xanga

Tuesday, July 29, 2008

Tue, 29 Jul 2008 16:33:10 GMT

A minute but sharp pain rippled thru my heart as I read the sms. To think that these messages kept u going for the past 7 mths, all gone in a click of a button. I had hoped that we would be able to work things out. But I really don't know now. It wasn't a romance that was without its painful and uncertain moments. But at this point in time, all of that combined still wouldn't match up to the detriments of these events.

We need some time apart. We need time to think. Cause right now, i'm barely able to gasp for air. Juggling between so many things. It's just something that no one will be able to comprehend. Coaching 2 schools. going to class. Projects. Events. Research. Paper work. lesson plans. Emails. More emails. And despite all that I have to do, its still about what I didn't do, and havent done.

And Dino still sleeps the night away and wakes me up at 8, irregardless of what time i sleep, even if it was 3am.

I'm tired. I need a break. Im gonna sleep. I just wanna sleep. Can I not wake up? Then the problems will all just be gone. Yes avoidance. But I'm sleeping..

I had a Dream....

Fri, 11 Jan 2008 11:08:00 GMT

Don't you wonder how dreams can feel so real at times... It is able to make u feel happy, sad, evokes feelings of fear and anger...

I just had a dream which was set in a chalet.. As you know, places and scenarios and dreams don't always take on places in reality. And for some morbid reason, at the chalet, Derek was leading us (Discknights) in a run. By the way, we were running round and round at the ground floor of the chalet.. Yeah, I know. I did mention that it was a weird dream. As we were running, some of them decided that it would be fun to lose Derek and hide somewhere but Dawn and I decided to carry on running.

As we tried to keep up with Derek, we kinda lost him as well... And now it was just Dawn at me, at the living room.. Just as we were going to go get a drink... suddenly, that was a huge explosion and from within the soil, a huge Wild Boar dashed out.

What appeared was this HUGE Wild Boar in a red cape. No joke.. And I mean, Ive seen wild boars before, but this was a Wild Boar with a red cape, Its a freaking Super Boar.. We were both stunned by what we saw. I quickly signalled for Dawn to move up the stairs.. but as we were at the foot of the stairs, Dawn clutched on her stomach, signalling acute pain in her abdominals.. I saw the Wild boar coming in our direction, and for fear that the Super Boar would come after us, ... I grabbed Dawn and RAN up the stairs and locked us in one of the rooms above... Hoping that of all the rooms Superboar Raids, he doesn't raid ours.. My heart was pounding, I was truly scared.. But I was glad that I wasn't hurt and more importantly, Dawn was safe... then..

And I woke up..

Extremely relieved... Relieve that Super boar didn't get to us, and that Dawn was still safe and sound..

On a more realistic note... School has begun once again and I must admit that I really didn't enjoy going for classes. I didn't find the lectuer engaging and the topic was really quite dry.. Or at least he made it dry. But, I know that it's important for me to go for lessons cause afterall, I'm in school to study and I'm studying to build my career. Despite all the boring lessons, there's still something to look forward to everyday, and its being able to see you, before and after class.. and in between breaks..

You asked me recently, everyday see me, won't get bored of me? My answer to you was and always will be no.. Cause if I was to get bored of u, I would have done so a long time ago. I know myself.. and I can sincerely say... that Dawn.. I really do love you, now and forever.

Collide

Mon, 31 Dec 2007 20:54:07 GMT

Recently, you said " Someone hasn't been updating his blog huh?" And my reply to that was, " My blog consist of recollections of sadness, grief, anger things that normally have no reason for celebration, but reason to vent."
Basically, not having to update my blog recently should appear as a sign that things are going well in my life.

How can my life be bad when recently, I found myself a girl whom I love. Someone who's understanding, accomodating, smart, pretty, passionate in whatever she does and plays frisbee. Whats more, she loves me too. And that should make us the 2 happiest couple in the whole world, shouldnt it? But, as much as i would like to say, yes, we're happy all the time, its inevitable that couples get into squabbles and arguments. And there are times when our own selfishness, cause one another to be upset. I'm guilty of that. It is then that I thought of a quote and I felt that if a relationship was based on these conditions, it would reduce arguments and unhappiness.

And the quote is...
"Love is always patient and kind, it is never jealous. Love is never boastful or conceited. It is never rude or selfish. It does not take offence, it is not resentful."

This summarises what makes a happy relationship and its something that we've all heard before, but we never applied. But what struck me most was the first sentence, Love is always patient and kind. I knew this quote, yet I never realised that all these time, I've been impatient. Ive been jealous. Ive been selfish. How could I expect things to be going well?

I know that I made u upset last night and im sorry for dissapointing u. Rest assured that I've do my best to be more patient, more selfless and less dismissive. All I'm asking is your support, your time and patience in return...

I love you Dawn..

Eugene

Tuesday, December 04, 2007

Tue, 04 Dec 2007 17:13:57 GMT

Life was made, so that we lived it to the fullest...

I knew that, but inadvertably, I took the life, of a young kitten, who was so adorable so cute, who loved our family as much as we love it. But its life was ended just by the click of a button, and I was the one who clicked it. I know it's not my fault, I know that I couldn't have prevented it. But the fact remains, I killed it, the moment, i click on the stupid fucking remote control.

Which has made me think, if I had only parked my fucking car outside instead of in my parking lot. I would have shooed it away before clicking the button. Or if I had reacted quickly enough when I heard the awful screams of the little kitten, I could have prevented all that. There are so many what ifs and if onlys, but all that won't change the awful fact that the kitten died, right before me. It was such a painful scene I don't wish to put anyone who reads this to utter disgust. But all I can say is that it was excruciating having to see that, and its an image that won't be erased from my mind, ever. The very kitten that I had called "Mimi" has just been strangled, caught inbetween my automatic gates. I tried you know. I tried to pull the gates open as soon as i saw that poor Mimi was caught inbetween, and for that moment when I saw that he had gotten loose, I was happy momentarily. But what happened after, will just haunt me.

It hurts most knowing that this very kitten had trusted us enough to lay in our premises. It had obviously wanted to be taken in, since we've always been feeding it, petting it, playing with it. And all of it, now, just memories. And the poor kitten, barely even 3 mths is now no longer existent. And we had just seen it grow from a skinny, malnutritioned kitten, to a happy, contented, "mimi". We loved it so much, that my dad bought him a collar. He even shifted canals for crying out loud. He wanted to stay near us. And look what staying near us has done to it. I just feel soo terrible, so sorry for that kitten. I'm just feeling so lousy now. I really am. I'm so sorry for ending your life so quickly. I could never forgive myself for doing that. I'm really very sorry.......

silence

Mon, 03 Dec 2007 10:53:22 GMT

Just as things are silent between us.. So will this blog...

Thursday, November 15, 2007

Thu, 15 Nov 2007 01:42:54 GMT

It's been a month since our roller coaster ride began. And just like any other roller coaster, there are many ups and downs, there are many emotions, be it thrilling, fun, scary, mind blowing, or simple sad (when the ride comes to an end). Not to mention that there are tragedies during a roller coaster ride, where the patron's safety latch came loose, or the patron's heart was simply too weak for the ride. Similiarly, the past 1 month has been like that for me. There were times when I felt estactic, there times when I was just cruising on the roller coaster enjoying the comfort and the wind in my face. But there were times when I feel like I'm hanging by an arm on the roller coaster, fearful and scared. Scared of losing my grip, scared that I'd fall to death.

Once again, I'm hanging by an arm and this time like the other times, evoke the same sort of fears. I'm hearing the creaking sound of the safety latch and even though I'm hanging on firmly, the bar seems to be giving way. There's really nothing much I can do. All I can do is pray that the bar doesn't give way cause I know that I'll hang on until my arms get numb and my shoulders dislodge before I'll let go of this creaking bar.

I'll never forget the times we spent just u and me at the balcony, those special sweet moments in the car, those nights spent chatting into the wee hours of the morning just to wake up early next morning to chat once again, those times when we spent studying together and even those times when you got angry with me because of the insensitive things I said. You know it amazes me how much time we've spent together, but just how much more it makes me want to be with you. It just feel so right, having you right next to me. I'm normally a 'familiarity breeds contempt' kind of person, but you came and disproved all that I thought of myself. You say you're blunt, but in fact your not. You're a very sensitive person who always thinks thru what you have to say. You just have this ability of being honest yet, not being too harsh. I won't forget all that you've done to make me happy and most of all I won't be able to forget that look in your eyes, that tell me that you love me too. And at that moment in time, there's no one in the world you'd rather be with. All these memories will forever remain etched close to my heart. Until the day, that these memories may be relived, I hope that you will be able to get on with life the way it was, before we got onto this insane, roller coaster ride.

I never regretted getting onto this roller coaster and I'll do it all over again, if I could.

I still love you Sweetie.

Eugene

A thousand apologies and more..

Wed, 07 Nov 2007 23:49:01 GMT

I've been up ever since 6am this morning and I just can't fall asleep anymore. In my mind, the words that I said, kept repeating over and over and over and I'm still trying to figure out what I meant when I said that. U said subconsciouly, what I was saying was I'm getting bored. But I'm not.. And that it was the circumstances that provoked the chase.. That's not true!

Reading your little message on Face book just brought me to tears. It made me realise further what a fool I've been for taking for granted all that you've done and all that you had to withstand just to make me happy. It made me realise that what I said in a moment of folly, has striked away everything good I've ever said or done, pushing you away from me. And it hurts me to think of the pain that you're going through now. All because of my mindless blabber. All the questions that are running through your mind, just because of 1 stupid sentence. I know whats been said, has been said and I can't turn back time to erase what I said. All I can say is that if I could use a time machine for just once in my life, I'd turn the clock back to before midnight last night. Because, that was before I made you upset, and I never ever wanted to make u upset.

I really hope that you'll give me one more chance, not just thru words, but with actions to prove. I'm deeply sorry for causing you such pain.

Drizzle's next to me.. and he thinks that I deserve 1 more chance. Purr....

I'm sooo Sorry...

Eugene

Sunday, November 04, 2007

Sun, 04 Nov 2007 23:09:34 GMT

What a special Moment spent together... I'll never forget it... You, me... (and the worker) Heh!
When I'm with you, everything else is inconsequential.
When I'm with you, you're all that matters.
When I'm with you, its so.. natural.
Till the day I can hold you close and whisper sweet things to you.
I'll have these memories to accompany me.

Eugene

My Promise to you...

Sat, 03 Nov 2007 01:09:05 GMT

You know when I woke up this morning... The first thing I asked my brother was, if you had to stop all contact with Deborah for 3 months, can you take it anot? He said, "No, I don't think I can." I then realised that I'm asking a boy who's girl friend is already in Australia and she'll be there for the next 5 years for studies. It was only today that I understood his pain of not being able to spend time with her, hold her tight and say sweet things to her. Now I realised how difficult it must be for him and his gf.

When I think of the next 3 months ahead, I can just imagine how difficult it would be, not being able to talk to you on the phone, sms you to tell you how much I miss you, hold you close and plant kisses where you least expect. It's going to be a painful journey, I foresee. But I promise you that I'll stay through the course no matter how much it wears me down, no matter how difficult it will be, rest assured that I'll be standing there at the end of the line, waiting.

Darling... Although I won't be able to say some things to you face to face, my blog will be my outlet for letting you know how I'm doing, updating you on my progress in the national squad and maybe even to tell u how much I'm missing you.. What you told me last night, I'll never forget! You're really brave for doing this, and I hate that I can't be there for you during this period of time.

You can be sure that I'll be counting down the days...

'Hey baby, when we are together, doing things that we love.
Everytime you're near I feel like I'm in heaven, feeling high
I don't want to let go, girl
I just need you to know girl.

I don't want to run away, baby you're the one I need tonight,
Yes, promises, baby
Now I need to hold you tight, I just want to die in your arms...
Here tonight.'

Shayne Ward - Promises

Ps: Remember when I told you, when I'm committed to smth, I'd do everything I can to make it work out (even if it means letting you go). I'll do it!

Eugene

Tuesday, October 30, 2007

Tue, 30 Oct 2007 14:13:54 GMT

Parting today was especially tough. It's because I know that after today, we will have to revert back to being good friends and I've almost forgot what that was like. You know as much as I don't want to, its for the better. What we were doing, was wrong and it's not just you, its me who'd live a life of guilt. I wouldn't want us to be in that predicament. To me, your beauty will always resonant from the inside and outside and I'll never think of you other wise. I know u didn't mean to be in this situation and that you'll blame urself for implicating me, but you didn't. If anything, you made me happier, even if just for a week. It'll always remain as a sweet memory to me. I don't want you to feel guilty, on the other hand, I would like that you give yourself a chance, to work things out. So at the end of the day, you can say without an inch of guilt that, yes you did your best to make amends but it didn't work out. Or if it works out, then I guess, maybe we were just not meant to be. I know that you cannot make any promises and truly, only time can tell. But if, we can last this test of time, I'm sure that we'll be able to brave any other obstacles in our life. It leaves me with unspeakable pain and regret to say that our love, has to come to an abrupt halt.

I'll be there whenever, whereever thats my promise to you.